


Home is where the lair is

by ProdigySorcerer



Category: Kim Possible (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:48:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23500030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProdigySorcerer/pseuds/ProdigySorcerer
Summary: Drakken tries to adjust to civilian life and faces the challenge of setting up a normal home and not a lair for the first time in his life. Overwhelmed by the decision making involved he calls upon Shego for one last time. But Shego finds herself more invested in making Drakken's future home perfect than she's comfortable admitting.
Relationships: Dr. Drakken/Shego (Kim Possible)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

“Yes sir this is really prime real estate, you can’t go cheap on location location location ... and this is the last penthouse available here in downtown Mr. Drakken.” the snake that took on the form of a real estate agent kept on repeating.

“It’s DR. Drakken “ I said out of reflex as I observed the view.

“Real doctor or Phd ?”

“Real doct ... I’ll ...” how does this guy not know one of 4 people the UN credited with stopping the alien invasion ? “Phd, I work in research.”

“Reaaaaallly ? And you’re shopping around at this price range ? I always knew the winning about not enough money for the universities was just an excuse to increase my taxes.”

“Just give me the contract to sign I want this one.”

“Excellent, now this is obviously not finished we know that each of our customers in this price range is ... unique and with exquisite tastes so us doing the floors or the bathroom would just NOT make sense, you’ll need a crew maybe a interior designer to help Ms. Drakken I can recommend some very good ... “

“I have my own people, thank you.”

* * *

“What do you mean Hench Co will need a proof of criminal record !?!”

“A bounty, search warrant or any such document is required as our lair setup package is available only to the most elite of the criminal world.”

“How can you not recognize me ?? Hench has done every single one of my lairs !! I’m famous didn’t you see the Secretary General of the UN thanking me, he even gave me a full pardon for all my ... oh”

“Now you get it, if you want I have some cards here for some of our sort-of-shady contractors they accept jobs from civilians.”

“GIVE IT”

* * *

“So when you say money is no issue, you mean ?”

“I’m loaded, thank you very much.” Why did nobody believe this about ? Sure I wear a blue and black labcoat but I'm definetly rich enough to qualify as eccentric instead of insane.

“Excellent, then you just need to pick out what type of floors you want etc etc the bathroom the furniture and we will handle the installation and etc ... “

“Well, how hard can it be ? You don’t survive as a super-villain without having decisiveness and the ability to pick a winning course of action ... Let’s see I want the bathroom to be ...”

The silence was somehow becoming thicker as precious seconds passed by, I felt that somehow it would become material a monument to my stupidity if it continued.

“Usually the wives have stronger ideas about this.” the contractor offered, he knew how this normally went and didn’t have any incentive to prolong my suffering.

“Err.” I could sense the familiar shame rising up from the depths of my soul.

“Girlfriend ? Mistress ?”

“Unrequited love interest ?”

I missed the silence which I could blame on not caring about interior decorating.

“Just get your men at the site I’ll solve this.” I barked at the man.

* * *

“Seriously Shego how much more can you hog the bathroom ???” I could hear my brother Mego’s frustrated yelling from behind the door.

Can’t a woman have a existential crisis in peace ?

Why did I come back here ? Stupid Drakken, stupid plea deal. Who would accept deactivating his criminal operations for a full pardon ?

Well I did.

I guess even in the afterglow of the UN ceremony the invasion and all the accompanying drama had taken it’s toll.

Even if it left me now starring into the mirror trying to decide if I wanted to go back to villainy right now ?

Or should I extend my vacation on the “right” side of the law for a little longer.

My phone erupted into vibrations and Drakken’s name exploded into the screen, the Doc bless his soul, for all his faults he did put things into motion.

“Shego here , Time is money (not it wasn’t) get to it !! You want me to what ?”

* * *

“And with our new collection coming in, your bathroom will have all the luxury it deserves in any rich colors of your choosing ... “

I noticed the sales lady was giving me the look.

The one I had gotten oh so used to in such a short amount of time.

The one that meant “Yes you will pay my product’s weight in gold and more, but I have other chumps to fleece today so stop wasting my time.”

“Oh I was thinking a rich blue for the bathroom, we certainly have the space to pull it off or maybe a nice sea-like green.” I couldn’t catch myself before saying “we”.

“Great now those are in this catalog here ... “

* * *

“Shego what is it ?” Doc was asking me “Why are you so angry ? “

Why am I actually ? Why do I care what some sales rep thinks ?

“I hope you’re not picking bad stuff, I mean deliberately ... so ... so as to spite me ! I’d rather die than be forced to redo everything and come back here again !!!”

Oh the nerve, I’m wasting my time and now he’s accusing me ?

“I’m angry at you ! At them, those smarmy little ... ugh each and every person we talked today when shopping for YOUR house walked away with the impression that we were ... you know ... THAT I had a personal stake in your bathroom or the furniture in your bedroom.”

Doc did that annoying thing where instead of hiding his emotions and intentions as any good criminal would do he just gave off 350 signals at the same time, so I couldn’t read him:

“Oh Shego I’m sure they didn’t think THAT (slight blush in his cheeks) you’re way too out of my league.”

Over the years by necessity as a villainous duo, I’ve grown to be quite in sync with how Drakken’s mad, wondrous mind worked. This, now was not one of those sync moments.

Was he sarcastic ? Was he trying to be sweet (friend zone) to me ?

Was this about him ? Some dark humor or a sad realization ?

Was it flirting ? God I hoped not that would take me on an inner journey I didn’t need right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did some cleaning up, I've done the scene borders as horizontal lines now it should be easier to read, as my dialogue always ends up having a lot of pauses in it.


	2. Chapter 2

“Shego !! I need you.” People used to ask me why I became a villain, I asked them in return why God inflicted brothers on me.

“I’ve got stuff to do buzz off !“ scouting 5 more furniture shops with Drakken was something I really did plan to do but I only had to leave in 3 hours.

“But if you don’t help me proof read my article they’ll start calling me ‘fake news’ again ... “ Mego whined shoving some pages of text in my face.

“I assure you you’re not at the level required for such conscious disinformation I can’t even understand how you can be an reporter in this day and age and not know how to use your spellchecker ... “ I shot back taking the papers, god if there was one thing I missed from actively teaching was being constantly reminded of just how much better my mastery of the English language was compared to others.

“Richardson Incorporated is going to go under ? Total bankruptcy ? Are you sure your ‘anonymous sources’ aren’t lying to you ?” I couldn’t help but ask as I scanned the draft.

“Nah, she is totally a legit source, that British sleaze used her so she’s getting some payback and leaking the boss’s secret debts ... I’m also taking her out next week to see if we can’t mend that broken heart.” he honestly did seem to think he was doing a good thing.

“Way to uphold journalistic objectivity there Dr. Love.”

* * *

Waiting was always a pain.

Waiting for Drakken to show up at the store was a greater pain than usual, the doc could get really into whatever he was doing at the time and lose track of time.

Back when we lived err worked together it was simple to literally drag him to where we needed to be, but now that Drakken had his own projects, legit ones for the government who knew if he had anyone to keep him grounde ... to babysit him.

The realization led to a small amount of inner turmoil about the fact that this, his new home, might be the last thing we do together.

Luckily I quickly shoved that inner turmoil deep down in the dark recesses of my mind so it could wither away and die. Unfortunately this meant the Drakken turmoil met the Roy Richardson turmoil brought up by Mego’s article.

What Mego and the rest of my brothers didn’t know was that I knew Roy back in Go City in those days, first in his persona as the anti-hero The Lash and then when we started “dating” I got to know more of the man.

But I can get why my brothers didn’t catch on that were dating given that I was going through the whole “falling to evil” thing at the time, which was way more in your face and important.

Did Roy influence me in going to the supervillain side ? Hell no. Even tough he did try and convince me to try the gray area of being an anti-hero.

All the slimy talk about having all the benefits of being a hero but none of the responsibility well those and other subjects lead us to frequent fights so when I knew my path I left him behind like the other parts of Go city which weren’t me anymore.

Damnit Mego I so do not need this walk down memory lane right now.

“Shego ? Fancy meeting you here.”

And of course he would be at the exact same furniture store as me.

* * *

I was late to my meeting with Shego, which meant I would be testing if my plasma-dodging skills were still sharp.

Though they might need to be more than simply sharp, since it wasn’t my signature on Shego’s paychecks she might not hold back this time. Ugh what did I agree to pay her for all this consultancy and basically holding my hand through the whole house setup ? 

Funny I couldn’t remember, I remember being desperate calling her up and prepping myself for her to say “no” but since she accepted and we started planning right then her salary slipped my mind.

Eh, I’ll just ask her at the end, she’ll remember and say a bigger sum then I’ll give her that +33% it’s not like she’s not worth it.

Shego true to her nature was at the shop exactly as we discussed in fact she was being harassed by some smarmy salesman already.

“Ahem, sorry I was late Mother took her sweet time.” which was actually what did happen but I bet this guy will make the same mistake as the others assume we are together and keep a normal distance.

The salesman turned to look at me, I couldn’t help but feel he was scanning for something as he looked me over from to bottom while stroking his long hipster style beard.

“And you are ?”

“Dr Drakken ... I’m her “

“EMPLOYER” Shego cut in with a weird emphasis on the word.

“Roy Richardson, Entrepreneur, Founder and CEO of Richardson Incorporated.” Shego did a little eye roll at this but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Glad to meet you Dick, Shego there were some grandfather clocks here you thought would ... “

“Yeah, speaking of the time. Richard it was good to see you again, thanks for your number maybe we’ll catch up now that you’re back in the states.”

* * *

“Dick ??? “ I hissed at Drakken once we were out of Richard’s hearing range.

“What ? It’s a perfectly common shortening of ‘Richard’.“

“Or a Freudian slip.”

“Or is your reading it that way ... in fact YOUR mind getting into Freudian symbols ?” Drakken said an ‘I gotcha’ expression on his face.

I didn’t like where this was going, it was going into Drakken badgering me with questions about my past.

My romantic past was the last thing I felt comfortable talking with him about.

Especially Richard. 

“Why were you so late ?” I started interrogating him to get another subject in the conversation. 

“Ugh don’t remind me another long call with my mother where she didn’t like the colors I picked for the bathroom.” more like I picked them and Drakken only ok’ed them still it was nice to hear him take my side and not deferring to his mother “and where she insisted that she alone knew what I wanted.” 

Drakken despite his affection for his mother was clearly annoyed at her butting in on many decisions the doc felt were just up to him (well me and him)

I wonder how Richard’s mother was ? I never met her.

“Too many cooks spoil the soup is what I told her.” Drakken concluded.

“Indeed” I said and we moved on to picking the stuff he needed from the store, though my mind kept jumping to a weird mental image of Drakken’s mother accusing me of not knowing to cook.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I like to do one part of the chapter from Drakken's perspective then from Shego's POV and back and forth to show both events and the different ways characters react to them and misjudge what the other characters are thinking/feeling.
> 
> This time I'm doing an entire chapter from Drakken's perspective to really focus on his emotions and reactions (whining) this is a one-off thing and the following chapters will bring back Shego's POV.

“Yes mom ... I will ... I’m happy to make you proud, don’t worry about the money due to the alien invasion and me ... covering it on my radio show I’ve got sponsors now I’m pretty much set for life ... ugh yes of course I want to find that special lady ... look I’m getting an other call I LOVE YOU BYE.”

It wasn’t a call, it was an text but I didn’t want to go over the difference about them to mother again.

“Hey Doc, I need some spending money. Do you mind sending what you owe me for my services until now ? Also I’ll be busy so don’t count on me for the immediate future.”

Shego was the only person he knew both young enough to text all the time, yet so obsessed with proper spelling as to compose full sentences in place of the usual “y, jk, o’rly ?” teens like Kim Possible were using.

Kim and what’s his name were at college now. Where did the time fly ? 

Why don’t I feel old ?

One quick transfer to Shego’s account and I was texting her back, I knew changing her mind from going through her vacation was impossible but it would be nice if she could tell me when we could get back to working on my penthouse.

“K done, you at the beach ?” I texted.

“Yes” came the reply instantly.

“Ok, be careful about these high UV.”

“Oh, my partner’s got me covered ;))” came the text first and then a image.

Shego getting sunblock applied to her back by some dude at the beach. For some reason I felt something in the pit of my stomach and I did something I didn’t do in a long time and really took a look at the pile of muscle Shego was spending her time with.

It was Richard from the store, he had a different haircut and he’d trimmed his beard and completely bleached his hair for that artificial blonde look but it was him.

Things just seemed like they’d fallen into place.

Not in a way I liked but they were definitely in place.

“The flower thing at the UN didn’t mean anything you big idiot” I reminded myself.

“The hug didn’t happen ... and even if it did it could have meant a hundred different things.”

“You never cared about her beach lovers before ... and now she doesn’t work for you so you REALLY shouldn’t care.”

“If Shego had really wanted she would have invited you to the beach once during your years together.”

My hands are working the phone, I see a familiar message “I hope you’re happy together” and it’s sent.

It’s just good manners to wish them well.

It’s not a lie, I’m sure when I get back to normal (whatever that is) I will actually mean it as well.

I feel old. 

* * *

“And Ethel ... you remember Ethel right ? From my bridge club, her daughter is an accountant you took her out, that one time ? Well her youngest boy not her eldest pay attention ... Her youngest son recently finished moving in into his new condo, he had to pay a small fortune to redo the entire electrical wiring ... “

I miss Shego.

I don’t really miss Shego in the usual sense, back in our villain days some of her missions involved her being away for months at the time time and there was obviously the period where she left me in prison and all the other times when we were apart.

And I wasn’t falling apart like this, in those times.

I miss the mental image I had of Shego, that annoying I don’t know how I got it notion that we were an family, that at the end we would stay together and face anything that came along as a team.

I miss our pseudo-relationship.

“So ? Do you agree you need to re-do the wiring ? I have the man’s number from Ethel.” Mother managed to get to her point eventually.

“Yeah yeah, re-doing it is for the best. But I’ll use my contractor thank you.” It was obvious that I would need this the kind of activities I would inevitably fall back into will require a strong electric network. It just rubbed me the wrong way how she always assumed I didn’t have these things already planed and workers ready.

Pseudo meaning “fake”.

Illusion.

Non-existent.

One almost hug in a life or death situation, one not getting zapped when my tendril got frisky and I thought there was a future for us.

“How is Shego ?” Mom always knows what to ask, better get this over with.

It is embarrassingly easy to lay out the entire story, just remove every reference to supervillany and replace with radio business.

It’s just so banal and obvious in retrospect it hurts:

Man who never had success with the ladies has attractive female employee.

Man never knows how to talk with women and has confidence issues.

Woman has to bear his presence due to work reasons and man is more confident in a professional arena.

Time passes man grows attached and deludes himself it is a two way bond.

It never was.

Also those are not tears in my eyes, they have to leave my eyes and run down my cheeks for me to be crying. So they’re something else.

“So she just dumped you immediately when this Richard person returned from England ? She’s not serious son. She was never the one for you.“ 

* * *

For a bit of time I stay quiet at mother’s summary judgment, it seems reductionist. I’m not sure but I think my Logic professor from college would name it a tautology or something.

I was never good at logic. 

“No d’uh” is all I can say in a defeatist tone.

“Were you really pinning for her all this time ? When I brought it up you kept shooting it down.“

“I ... uh ... we had our disagreements before “ like the time she left me to rot in jail but I wasn’t going to mention the jail part “ but somehow we kept patching things up so I guess on some level I thought ... we would end up together at the end.”

“Shego was just using you, to bide time until this other man finished sowing his wild oats. Or as a safety net.” 

That didn’t sound so bad, like the time I helped out in Go City.

Still not crying.

I take a long look at mom, here in her house in the evening light she seems older, much more tired.

She had me at a young age, raising me would be hard anyway but she managed to do it alone.

Time seems to press more and more on my shoulders, haven’t I put her through enough these years ? Me always focusing only on my ambitions. Always worrying her that I would never meet a woman and that she would get to see my wedding day.

So I lie. And exaggerate. And let her assumptions go uncorrected.

It’s better to think that I had a failed relationship with Shego, because if I can have a bad one there’s at least a chance at having a successful love in the future.

It’s not fair to Shego, mother is getting the impression that she is much worse than she actually is.

But I’m the bad guy, lying is par for the course especially if it can bring a little hope to mom. Shego can beat me up all she wants if she ever hears about this.

I slowly make the transition from talking about Shego to talking about other women I was interested in.

Mother is glad for the change in subject, she sees it as a sign I’m moving on.

She especially laughs when I re-tell an super-villany censored out version of some of my experiences with DNAmy.

I wonder whether her and Fiske are dating right now or not ?


	4. Chapter 4

So this was it, all my belongings packed in one bag ready to move in with Roy.

Just leaving Mego’s apartment and driving to the penthouse and it will be complete, my first serious live-together long term relationship will have started.

Now if only we didn’t routinely get into fights.

But all relationships have their troubles, that’s what I’ll tell Kim when she moves in with Ron after college and she comes to me for advice.

Drakken’s annoying voice pops in my head to remind me I’m not her big sister, he’s annoying but what’s troubling is the realization the absolute knowledge that Kim and Ron will do just well they won’t have the fights me and Roy have so my wisdom will be worthless.

To make that bitter realization better instead of needing to just hit Mego on the way out all my brothers are here to watch me go.

Hooray.

The twins are playing on the console from the couch, Mego is swiping furiously left and right on his phone and Hego is making breakfast in the kitchen.

“See ya later !” I hesitantly say knowing I could sneak past all 4 of them.

Cue the questions about what, how, where.

“Cool !!! Next time you’re flying to London bring us along !!!” the twins are the first to speak, yeah dweebs sure I will.

Hego and Mego are sharing looks but they don’t appear to be ready to say something so I turn to leave. 

“Richardson ? That tool, really ?” Mego finally spoke.

“Yeah, so ?” I respond my fist already engulfed in flame as a warning.

“I was betting on you and Drakken finally shacking up.”

Oh you just HAD to go there.

“That what I thought would happen as well.” Hego said earnestly from the kitchen.

Es tu, Hego ? Es tu.

I wanted to fire some witty line back about how what if I did live with the man a few years and yes did flirt with him under some circumstances (manipulation, sentiment controlling device) and I did care about him not getting dissected by aliens but that didn’t mean ...

I just shot the two of them an evil look and slammed the door behind me.

* * *

“You know I did an offer from Richardson Incorporated, they want to start a restaurant chain and were looking for senior managers with experience in the field.” Hego offered as he was finishing up the omelet.

“Really ? Did that crook have his eyes on our sister back then I wonder ?” Mego replied stroking his chin trying to look inquisitive “You turned them down, why ?”

“Brand Loyalty !!! Also it was slightly more responsibilities, with much less advancement opportunities and a 33% pay cut.” 

Suddenly from the hallway Shego’s annoying ringtone made itself heard, followed by their sister’s exasperated voice:

“Nein, Ich spreche kein Deutsch ! ... Oui je parlais un peu de francais ... “

* * *

“So Amy what have you been up to ?”

“Oh you know, this and that. Actually I was sort of hoping to have received a call from you.” DNAmy said with a shy smile in the cafe they were meeting at a table alone.

Completely alone as in no petrified Fiske was present.

“You look different since I last saw you at the UN, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh did you see me with the gorilla mods ? Well you know my specialty is genetics flesh is my plaything, I don’t know people can handle you wearing a different dress based on your mood but change your body a little and ... “

“Oh no it’s a crime against nature, OHHH THE HUMANITY, you are tempering in god’s domain !!!” I couldn’t help but imitate those fools that just didn’t understand.

“And they never mention WHICH god exactly, like at least be precise.” she replied laughing.

Ok man up already, just ask and get it over with.

“I see Monty isn’t with you ?”

“Oh yeah ... even when trapped in stone he could still be active on the astral plan and yada yada magic mambo jumbo “

“KARATE KICK !!!” I mocked thinking more about the green clad martial arts expert I lived with, than of Lord Fiske.

“Sooo unscientific ... anyway he could still menace some Japanese school even in that form. So one night an entire division of ninjas storms my lab and they do this whole arcane light show and Monty is defeated which for my untrained eye just means he’s back to normal.”

“Really ?”

“Yeah but he was very upset the poor baby, kept rambling about losing phenomenal cosmic power.”

“You two are still together ?” I tried to keep the disappointment out of my tone it wasn’t really a question given the “poor baby” wording.

Amy instead slouched forward and hesitated for a few seconds.

“We’re on a break.”

“Oh” I didn’t know what to say, things seemed to be coming up Drakken for once but it still felt off.

“That’s why I was hoping to run into you” Amy marshaled on “I keep thinking about the alien’s ship, surely a species as advanced as theirs has a lot of biotechnology, I have a lot of time now it would be fascinating to study it.”

I could see what she wanted now. Fair enough.

“Even working for the government ?”

“Eh It would be good to publish a few more articles and white papers.”

“Honestly the pay isn’t that great, if I had your talents I’d be in the private sector all those fake diet pills well you could ... “

“No duh I can, but the FDA has such a prejudice against ‘mad’ scientists ... So do you think you could put a good word in for me with the government so I don’t miss out on the alien tech ?”

“Yes I could, Is that all you want ?”

“Well You’re an interesting subject of study yourself ... “

“Ah you mean my plant mods.” thank god this wasn’t a petal day.

“That too.” she replied her tone a bit more light, more playful. 

“Your tendril, very interesting although a bit forward here in a public place.” Amy whispered. 

“Ugh” I tried to blush “Sorry you know I don’t control it at will yet it acts on my subconscious.”

“I know it does.” the geneticist gave me a little wink.

Amy was thinking it was playing across her toes involuntarily like when the vine forced me and Shego together at the UN.

Actually in this case it was a deliberate flirt.

* * *

The weeks flew by, turned into months seasons changed, Shego or rather my memories of her and my hopes for a future kept leaping out of nowhere and bringing me down, even as my penthouse was now complete.

My phone vibrated and I took it out, dreading if it was another post from Shego or Richardson’s villainstagrams.

Instead it was an direct mail from Shego:

“Hey doc, we’re throwing a party for the completion of Roy’s place, would you care to join us ? There’s something I’d like to ask you about.”

UGHH what could she possibly have to talk to me about ? She’s been ignoring me this entire beach season. Suddenly I was getting Moodulator flashbacks, the cringe.

There was no choice though, at least DNAmy kept mentioning she’d like to get out of the lab more.


	5. Chapter 5

The party was due to start soon and the penthouse was far from ready.

For heaven’s sake if the guests just walked around a little they would see still barren walls with the bricks showing though and empty rooms where the electricians were still working to set up.

But no, Roy wanted to rush this party to get as many of his angel investor “friends” under the same roof, the nerve of him he even suggested I contribute money to finish HIS penthouse faster.

I just know Drakken will point and laugh at every imperfection, god if he pulls out photos of his own place and starts bragging I will just lose it and kill both him and Roy.

Just be done with both nuisances.

Although I had to admit my curiosity at how it turned out was kind of eating at me.

Just as I admitted that to myself the familiar sounds of the hover car’s engines indicated he had arrived, classic Drakken first one to the party lest one mistake him for the cool kids who arrived late.

I subtly sneaked to the terrace to observe him before her entered, yeah same old Doc choosing the blue labcoat plus a red bowtie, wait who is that alongside him ?

Tall, slim, buxom, why does she look kind of familiar ?

Wait I know that laugh !

If you were in both superheroics and supervillainy it paid to memorize the laugh cadence and rhythm of everyone you ever met, that was DNAmy.

Suddenly everything became clear, she was now slim very slim and taller but those were still her features.

Looking back now it seems obvious that a master of biology could alter her appearance.

A wave of relief overtook my being, this was still Drakken these were still the types of women that found him attractive, it was not like Drakken was a good catch and I should feel jealous or maybe regretful.

...

AHEM I said a wave of relief!!!

... come on wave you should be bringing up that relief right now and washing everything else away.

Damn waves always coming late.

* * *

Where is Shego ? The hired help isn’t even close to finishing all the preparations and they work faster if she flashes her fire powers.

I found her on the terrace watching like a hawk a couple on the landing pad which was part of the lower floor.

As if the flying car wasn’t obvious enough, the blue coloring of the man confirmed my suspicions and I think I recognize the woman from some local villain-related news.

“Better nip this in the bud“ I was thinking as my arms quickly enveloped Shego’s waste and I began planting hot kisses on her neck, despite her weak protestations.

...

Good God how much of a rube could this Drakken character be ? Shego must have been beyond desperate to spend so much time with him.

If I had been in her place I would have slit his throat after the first stupid comment (like his idiotic remarks when I showed him the kitchen) pocketed whatever funds he had in his lair, gotten whatever bounties the authorities had on him then spend a few months on the right side of the law living off that cash.

“Drakken, old friend how about we let the girls catch up, I have something that might peek your interests ?” I said placing my arm on his back and applying some pressure to get him to turn left.

As we entered the greenhouse I pointed to my specially prepared bed of roses, flown in and setup especially for this scene.

“Shego told me you have some interest in horticulture ... “

“I’m not really into all these media trends the kids get into these days.”

“Plants and flowers, I heard you like ?” I said after a much too long sigh

“Oh ...you think because of the vine and ... no not really it was just a thing I was trying out and ... my specialization is mad science and technology not bio related villainy.”

This was as good a segue could hope for with this man

“Actually there is this amazing opportunity I want to share with you, I’m looking to bootstrap a startup, it will have everything AI, machine learning, green technology, blockchain, crypto currency and I need a Chief Technical Officer ... “

“Ah sounds interesting “ Drakken said but his body language screamed hesitation, the man practically flinched when I was mentioning what he would work with “ uhh let’s say I do consider it what would be my salary and other benefits ?”

“Well not so much a salary but it’s an excellent opportunity to invest, with your capital and your combination of skills and knowledge this could be the next Theranos and you the next Ian Gibbons !”

Drakken took his sweet time mulling it over, guess he didn’t realize that more than half my guests would get similar offers so he didn’t know how much he was hurting me by wasting my precious time.

“No, thanks. It’s not you it’s me.”

Fine if this was the way you want to play it let’s get to maybe the more important part.

“That’s absolutely no problem ... there is another problem I was hoping to talk to you about ... would you care to observe these roses ... “ I pointed to a couple of roses centrally placed in the rose bed.

“A green rose ? That’s artificial, no ?“

No duh you idiot, do you have any idea how expensive it is to get a custom genetically engineered rose which blooms a green flower ? The golden rose besides it was also enhanced to be truly golden. The blue weed besides the roses was also intentionally planted and costed more than it should have.

“Yes it is. Special, unique, beautiful. Do you see the problem ?”

“A tendency to come alive and attack the scientist that made it ?”

“Ha ha ... no. It is a thing of beauty a perfect companion to the golden rose. but do you also observe the third plant ?”

“Doesn’t seem that special I think I saw some on the side of the road.”

“Exactly, it is common, it is vulgar. It has no place in my design or even God’s design. Let me show you what I do with things that aren’t in their place.” I eye the pair of gardener’s scissors that I placed near the flowers.

Drakken sees where my eyes are.

I yank the common blue flower root and stem from besides the rose and throw it to the ground and grind it under my authentic Italian leather shoes.

“Get my point ?”

“You really really like roses ? I thought your whole super theme was around using a whip ?”

Fine you idiot let me spell it out.

* * *

This was the man Shego was trying to go the distance with ? A flowers nerd ???

And she used to laugh about me going to one little Star Trek convention ?

“Drakken you’re such a bloody hypocrite, you see yourself as a man of genius, so above the rest of us humans that we can only call you `mad` ... ”

Kind of hard to not see yourself as different what with the blue skin.

“but when it comes to women there’s nothing unconventional or intellectual about you, who do you want ? A conventionally attractive young woman.”

I could begin to sense like a bowstring getting taught inside me, anger and resentment and fear bubbling and combining the acidic bile rising within me.

Did he have to just throw out my attraction to Shego right into my face ? Am I so obvious ? Is everyone just laughing about it behind my back ?

“Maybe just maybe if you set your sights on a fellow science weirdo she’s be into you ... “ he continued to mock “ but that’s not what you want isn’t it ? You want Shego and you’re so desperate that you won’t believe your own eyes and ignore how she’d rather sleep with literally anyone else ... and how she can have her choice of any man.”

“Of course she chose me ... she waited for me. Do you really think she didn’t notice her boss was horny for her ? What do you think stopped her from just shacking up with you ? It was me, she was waiting for me jumping from one bumbling super to another waiting for her one true partner !”

As his words hit every bone of my body was aching just to reach out and crush him, but something else was keeping me in check a dark rational part of me who was whispering that it didn’t matter.

That it never mattered.

Because everything he was bragging about was true especially about me and Shego.

“What would you even do with Shego ? Have you ever been with a woman ? With a woman like her ? You two are ...uh yes yankees ... she’s like one of those cheerleaders from your high school comedies and you’re the pathetic nerd who thinks he’s lovable but SURPRIZE it’s another genre and you’re actually a serial killer.”

Weirdly specific example.

“And you want to know something more, you `doc` are damned by faint praise you know the nicest thing she said about you ? `Oh he’s nice and we complement each other well during jobs`.”

I couldn’t help but smirk a little.

“But do you know what that actually means ? It just means that you are opposites great when needing to work together ... but again to beat the point in when looking for a boyfriend Shego is beautiful she wants someone beautiful like her, she is sociable she will want someone like her not a sad emotionally unstable geek.”

“So stay the fuck out of our lives ... I know you are the one stealing from Shego’s bank accounts !!!”

That was new, with the bank accounts.

The rest wasn’t new the rest was always there, my own obsession and fear just kept me from realizing from acting.

I vaguely am aware that Roy is going back to the main party area, I don’t know how much time passes as I stand alone until I can work up the will to crawl back as well.

I should get my ‘date’ and just leave.

I owe Shego that much at least, let her be happy and healthy.

* * *

Amy was getting some sort of business pitch from Roy, which on the one hand meant I couldn’t get any details about her and Drakken.

Or Fiske for that matter I was so sure the two of them were a thing.

On the other hand Doc was the one I really wanted to see, and this meant that I could have some alone time with him.

Why did that sound a bit off ?

Drakken was by the bar, seemingly on his fifth glass of whiskey I hope he did finally get that autopilot installed or that Amy knew how to fly.

Also did he not notice Roy’s signs that the bar was not free or the hefty markups he had applied to everything.

“Hey Doc ... long time no see ... “ I began as he turned to face me, acknowledging me but not really being there “ ugh so “ I wanted to stress that me ignoring him was natural now that we weren’t working together, that I had a more serious boyfriend.

That it was not in any way a betrayal.

And even if it was me throwing him under the bus because I didn’t need him anymore, well villains no‘duh what did he expect ?

Yet somehow the words weren’t just forming into sentences quite the way I needed them to.

Drakken was reacting to my stalling by just looking at me and thinking, he had that look in his eye that he’d get when he figured why his machine wasn’t working.

But the rest of him, his posture, his breathing, his slightly trembling hands it was like the aftermath of one of our really big losses, after he had tired himself screaming about Possible.

I finally found the will to begin my request if only to get it over with and break the silence.

“I’ve been having problems with my bank accounts, you know that Swiss bank where we put the UN money, I’ve gotten some report from them that my account was targeted.”

“Some unknown party was trying to hack into it and get at my savings. The bank people say they’re on top of it and will catch them but I don’t know.”

“At the end of the day they’re still civilians you know ? I just don’t trust them like the banks we used while as villains.”

A flash of recognition appeared on Drakken’s face but was soon chased away by another drink from his glass.

“I wanted to warn you maybe you’re being targeted as well. Plus this is IT geek stuff with the hacking and etc could you look into it for me ? “ I tried to put some sweetness and pleading into the next words “ For old times ? Just so I know who I’ve got to kill ?”

Drakken tensed up, and I did as well. Whatever the answer was it would be shouted to the high havens.

Worse was that I could hear Roy’s incessant blathering in the distance he and Amy were walking in our direction. Roy was still trying to push his startup.

“Ok” was all that Drakken said, it was a bit ambiguous just from the words if he was acknowledging my situation or agreeing to help.

But some damned voice inside me was assuring me that he did agree to help, even if he said nothing else as he took his glass and walked over to this girlfriend to leave.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a cold autumn evening, I was reading in my library in front or a roaring fireplace, the glass of whiskey always at my side was making this re-read of “The Great Gatsby” a particularly fine way to pass these hours.

The chime from my phone was understandably thus quite the annoyance, especially as I could recognize it as that blasted Facebook alert about a new chat.

Since only Amy used that infernal site to communicate with me, indeed I had only signed up on her insistence there was also a bit of the puzzle.

It must have been my constant exposure to the occult but there was a certain divination-like certainty that the message was not from DNAmy.

Shego: Hello Fiske. I’ve got some info to trade, I’m reasonably sure it is of interest to you and by illuminating you I hope you would do me the courtesy of satisfying my curiosity.

Shego was, all things considered not the worst villain he’d teamed up with it was really a shame actually her dislike for my minions, and she was if the rumors were true trying to stay on the straight and narrow.

All in all, it seemed reasonable to reply, after receiving my interest she jumped straight to satisfying her own curiosity.

Shego: What is the exact nature or status if you prefer of the relationship between you and Amy ?

To say “We are on a break” would be something he could never do, that phrase conjured the image of teens or at most early twenty-somethings fighting their way through hormones while both of them were secretly angling for someone better.

Me: What was between us has passed, please tell me you are not acting as her pawn in a convoluted scheme of hers for a rebirth of the romance between us.

Shego: Ok Shakespeare, and for the record I’m just doing this out of thieves’s honor for my old patron, checking up if he’s not being used.

She then sent me a picture from what appeared to be a security camera.

The picture was indeed Drakken, the former employer Shego did not even need to name, and it showed him at some sort of gala given the presence of a bowtie over his usual labcoat.

On his arm was a gorgeous woman ... oh no ...

This couldn’t be ? Amy ?

Once the shock wore off, I remembered she mentioned during some of her rants, a staple of the mad scientist, that flesh was her clay to mold and that the look she chose for herself while we dated was something she could easily change.

In retrospect yes if she did chose, and she did as it appears from the image, to model herself more in the vein of conventional attractiveness, it would be easier than that time she spliced herself with animal DNA.

This was perfectly normal, I had to remind myself once I started breathing again, things between us had ended she was free to pursue anyone she desired.

Now back to my lecture, which was in no way diminished by the knowledge that Amy had moved on and found someone she was probably going to spend the rest of her life with.

Obviously if even Shego could accept that her and Drakken were a normal healthy couple and there was nothing villainous at play, who was I to insert myself in the path of true love ?

One sleepless night later, I called my financial adviser I knew he had been investing my ill-begotten wealth, and they said crime didn’t pay , into different companies, it was time to cash out and call in some old loans.

The amount of plush animals I would need for my campaign to get Amy back was going to be TRULY staggering .

* * *

“Wade there’s a friend here for you, I’m letting him come upstairs.” I could hear mom’s voice from bellow.

That was strange, none of the Star Trek crew said they wanted to come over for my radically innovative odd-numbered Trek movies only marathon.

Things became more clear as the door to my room opened to reveal Drakken, mom was so happy for me to have any IRL friends over that she just assumed any freak who came over was somehow a Team Possible ally.

“Yo ! As you kids say.” Drakken awkwardly introduced himself.

“I don’t think we actually say that ... “ I could only reply.

A few painful seconds pass as Drakken’s eyes scan my room.

“So being the IT friend sucks ... “ despite the intrusion I can only nod, there was a deep pain, one that was entwined with hope and thus was very hard to kill, that pain always flared up when you had an empty weekend and got an call to come on over ...

To fix their printer.

Or help them find files on a formatted hard drive.

Or just figure out why their video isn’t working.

“Especially since I’m not actually that good at the coding or IT part of mad science and engineering ... “ Drakken continued.

“Yep I definitely remember the story Kim told me about the robots.”

“So I was thinking since we’re old friends ... “

“Ha Ha Ha ... oh wait you’re serious ... wait let me laugh harder as I dial the police you do care about your clean record, right ?”

Drakken emitted a loud grumbling and crossed his arms to show his displeasure.

“Fine if true bonds forged in combat ... “

“We were on different sides DURING the combat, hell you mind controlled me once. Are you telling me creating mind control technology is easier than figuring out google drive or something ?” I finished exasperated by the man.

“If true bonds won’t work how about a good mercenary work offer, if you help me with this completely legal thing I need I can give you this one of a kind: 4k blueray edition of Star Trek Nemesis signed by Shinzon and the director himself !!!”

I hoped that the fact that my mouth was watering was not super obvious.

“Ok, I’m listening ...”

Drakken began to tell his tale, about somebody repeatedly trying to hack into Shego’s bank account and get at her money, about how the penetration attempts had been growing in intensity with time.

He didn’t need to say but as the pressure on Shego mounted, she was also applying the pressure to her ex-boss to use his “scientific techie mind” to uncover who was targeting her.

As I spun up a few AWS instances to run my scrapping operation in the hopes of finding a lead, something was definitely fishy.

Hackers were definitely common and a real threat, but why Shego ?

Why a woman who could eventually track you down and literally burn you alive ?

Not to mention when there was Shego, Drakken was not far away, an insane scientist with much more doomsday weapons than common sense or patience ?

Who would be stupid enough to piss these two off ?

Or on the reverse who was strong enough to resist these two on a rampage but still needed to resort to electronic theft for money ?

If anything Drakken should have been the one targeted, he had received the larger share of the UN bounty, he was the one who was making more money when they were villains, he was the one with the new house that had shown up on MTV’s “Cribs”.

Was there something about Shego that made her a more valuable target ? Or at least a softer target for whomever was attacking her.

Ok this is interesting but I better double check before pointing the finger on this individual.

* * *

I sat alone in my office trying to digest the information that I had learned, apparently the person behind the hacking attempts on Shego’s accounts was none other than her boyfriend Richard.

A sinking feeling in my gut told me this was true, leaving aside Wade’s superior skills at electronic profiling, the fact that the man I had been hunting for Shego would turn out to be someone who when I will reveal them Shego will skin ME for the revelation, this just made the fact that it would be Richard the inevitable truth.

Murphy’s law: all things being equal the universe will make sure that the option that hurts Drakken the most will happen.

I could already see it happening, I tell Shego her boyfriend is the one trying to steal her money, she won’t believe me, she’ll get defensive about him, her fists will start to glow with green fire before I can get away, my life ends with my entire vision engulfed in green.

I tell her from afar so that she can’t get tome , she screams about how I’m obviously jealous, she’s hurt by how I’m trying to manipulate her, she somehow somehow still manages to make a moral argument that this is the worst thing I’ve done (all the crime and the violence pales in comparison to this betrayal).

Is the Shego in my head wrong ?

Am I jealous ? Yes.

Am I bitter ? Yes.

Is this discovery of the culprit self-serving ? Well no, it’s not like I imagine Shego will dump Richardson immediately and fall into my arms.

I look into the glass of cognac I’ve poured myself and only the reflection of an tired already defeated man looks back with disgust.

Am I the villain here ? If Shego is happy ... if Richardson is giving her those butterflies in the belly (that I never could) isn’t being with him what she’d chose and me butting in is destroying her one chance at happiness.

Yes keeping silent would be for the best, I’ll just lie to her that I couldn’t find the culprit.

I reach for the phone, I consider a text but for some reason I open up Facebook to message her there.

I must be in a masochistic mood because before I get to Shego’s profile to text her I have to scroll through my few friends and acquaintances to see just how much better and fulfilled their lives are.

Nobel Prize.

Vacation with the family.

Dementor and Electronique are getting married again.

Finally I get to my former green partner in crime, they’re probably made for each other I could tell from the second the guy started talking he loves his own voice while Shego has like 30 new photos of herself in the last week.

Stupid enough to go looking for more pain I open them:

At Paris waiting for Richard to finish his board meeting.

Rome, waiting for the investors to stop talking with Richard.

Tokyo, Ottawa, Cairo, all the same picture basically Shego showing off her hair or her figure her boyfriend being mentioned only in the text via her exasperation of his ignoring her, ignoring the painful lack of happiness I could read on her features.

I look again into the glass of cognac see the same void of happiness but also the fires of anger in my eyes, I drink it in one shot determined not to see that image again.

It was time to be the villain again in Shego’s already villain dominated love life.


End file.
